Why Are Victims of Abuse Often Seen as the Abusers?
Why Are Victims of Abuse Often Seen as the Abusers?
5 things you can do right now to protect yourself from victim-blaming.
Have you ever wondered why victims of abuse are often seen as the abusers themselves?
The odds are good that you've been there, or at least seen it. I certainly have. It’s perplexing, and it turns out to be rooted in the cunning and manipulative tactics used by narcissists. They intentionally distort perceptions and erode the self-esteem of their victims.
So, I wanted to take a closer look at these behaviors, as well as some of the phrases employed by narcissists to shed light on how they twist reality to their advantage. I also wanted to identify some practical steps you can take to address and cope with these challenges.
Here's what I found out.
How Do Narcissists Manipulate and Control People?
Narcissists are characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, entitlement, lack of empathy, and manipulative behaviors. They often present a kind and caring facade in public, masking their toxic and devaluing behavior in private. This duality is crucial in understanding how they manipulate perceptions. In public, their charm and charisma win admiration, but in private, they undermine and control their victims.
To protect yourself, it's essential to recognize these dual behaviors. Pay close attention to inconsistencies between how a person behaves in public versus private settings.
Although it might seem like you're forcing yourself to relive unpleasant experiences, in the long-run it pays to keep a journal. Use it to document specific incidents of manipulative behavior. This will validate your experiences and keep your sense of reality intact.
Which Behaviors and Phrases Do They Use to Manipulate?
Narcissists often employ specific manipulative tactics, such as asking for repeated second chances and making false promises of change. This persistent behavior wears down their partners and coworkers, who may eventually give in, hoping for genuine improvement.
The problem is, the narcissist's core behavior remains unchanged, which leads to repeated cycles of abuse. This is compounded by their use of manipulative phrases, labeling others as selfish or unsupportive when they refuse to comply with unreasonable demands.
You can counteract this manipulation by setting firm boundaries. Clearly communicate your limits and stand by them. State a limit to the number of second chances you are willing to give. If a narcissist repeatedly asks for more, respond consistently with your boundaries and remind yourself of past patterns.
Journaling your interactions can help you see the recurring tactics and stay resolute in your decisions. If you are ever wondering if you should stop giving them more chances, finding a record of when you told them they wouldn't get any more can help you maintain a sober equanimity.
How Are Victims Impacted?
A narcissist's unconscious aim is partly to kill hope and eliminate optimism. Thus, they often criticize and reject your efforts, and will eventually accuse you of being distant or unsupportive. This constant negativity, pessimism, and rejection can utterly drain your energy and murder your self-esteem.
It is possible to see how emotional drainage is exacerbated by a narcissist's persistent negative affectivity because it is actually measured in studies on anxiety and mood disorders. In study after study, the evidence reveals how victims end up feeling isolated and misunderstood because their attempts to communicate distress get dismissed or twisted against them.
(Watch out for Flying Monkeys, a narcissist's minions, and do not include them in your support network. You will find they are remarkably consistent in how they dismiss or twist things. This is because their responses are intended to meet with the narcissist's approval.)
You can bounce back from this emotional toll by fostering a strong support network. Connect with friends, family, or support groups who understand and believe in you. Sharing your experiences with trusted individuals can provide validation and emotional relief.
It is also important to regularly engage in self-care activities that replenish your energy and bolster your self-worth, such as hobbies, exercise, or mindfulness practices.
Why Is Reactive Abuse and Gaslighting So Damaging?
One of the most insidious tactics used by narcissists is provoking their victims to react, then using those reactions as evidence of the victim being the abuser. This is known as reactive abuse.
A narcissist's gaslighting techniques — manipulating your perception of reality — further compound the issue. By consistently questioning your experiences and emotions, narcissists create a sense of doubt and confusion, making you appear unstable and aggressive.
To counteract gaslighting, trust your perception of events. Journalize incidents, noting dates, times, and specifics. This helps you maintain clarity about real-world events so you can resist being swayed by the narcissist’s distortions.
Research also shows that affirmations and positive self-talk can reinforce your confidence in your memories and experiences. Immediately following any gaslighting experience, it helps to repeat positive, present-tense statements to yourself that challenge what the narcissist injected.
Look for evidence of your positive effects on people, places, and things. Your aim is to consciously replace negative thoughts with constructive and supportive ones connected to tangible reality. Your ability to affect the world, and the gratitude you feel for those who support you are your best defenses.
Protect and Empower Yourself
Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse is crucial in recognizing and addressing the reality inversions created by narcissists. Victims often find themselves portrayed as the abuser because narcissists engage in manipulative tactics and dual behavior.
If you find that friends or coworkers are acting as if you are the abuser, it is important to act quickly. Here are five basic steps you can take right away to protect yourself and reclaim your life:
Recognize Manipulation: Identify and document inconsistent behaviors and manipulative tactics.
Set and Maintain Boundaries: Clearly communicate and enforce personal boundaries without guilt. Limit the number of second chances you are willing to give, and be prepared to close off a relationship if they ask for more.
Build a Support Network: Connect with trusted friends, family, or support groups for validation and encouragement.
Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that boost your physical and emotional well-being.
Counter Gaslighting: Keep a detailed journal to maintain clarity and trust in your own perception. Focus on tangible realities, not the concocted fantasies of the narcissist.
By taking these steps, you can regain your sense of self, break free from the cycle of manipulation, and lead a healthier, more empowered life.
References
Brown, T. A., Chorpita, B. F., & Barlow, D. H. (1998). The role of negative affectivity in the comorbidity between anxiety and unipolar mood disorders. *Journal of Abnormal Psychology*, 107(2), 179-192. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.107.2.179
Bushman, B. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Threatened egotism, narcissism, self-esteem, and direct and displaced aggression: Does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology*, 75(1), 219-229. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.1.219
Clark, L. A., Watson, D., & Mineka, S. (2008). Temperament, personality, and the mood and anxiety disorders. *Journal of Abnormal Psychology*, 117(3), 691-704. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.117.3.691
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Stucke, T. S., & Sporer, S. L. (2002). When a grandiose self-image is threatened: Narcissism and self-concept clarity as predictors of negative emotions and aggression following ego-threat. *Journal of Personality*, 70(4), 509-532. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6494.05015
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2003). Isn't it fun to get the respect that we're going to deserve? Narcissism, social rejection, and aggression. *Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin*, 29(2), 261-272. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202239051